I once was lost, but heard God's call; Was blind, but now I'm okay with that.

This is Anna. She forever holds my heart.

These are excerpts from my journal. A little peak into my mind.

December 1, 2013 - I've come to the strange realization that I don't know what I want. At all. Not right now. Nothing specific. 

                           I'M LOST.

December 2, 2013 - They asked for a word or theme that would describe our growth this semester & how far the Lord has brought us. I've been thinking about it all day, but I'm coming up empty handed. Lindsey, my R.A., told me that my theme doesn't have to be happy-go-lucky because that wouldn't adequately describe my growth.       

{BLIND}

This is the third time that God has touched me with "blind" this year.

     The first time was in China when a four year old, blind girl named Anna touched my life. Prior to meeting her, I had decided that having a blind child wouldn't suit me very well and that "blind" wasn't really "up my alley." Every time I think of her, memories of China flash through my mind...

July 9, 2013 - I knew from the moment I found this trip that it held a lot for me, but I didn't know exactly what or how much. I thought that it was simply going to answer the yes or no question of, "Is this what God wants with my life?" Through this last month and a half, God has done more than answer that one question, He's shown me things I needed to fix, other things that I was running from.

The necklace one of my students gave me.

     Expecting a yes or no answer to my life question, early on in Chongzou, God answered with neither. "Be patient," He said, "I will open the right door at the right time, and My timing is always right." Finding peace and comfort in this, I carried on with the trip. While in Fuzhou, I had the opportunity to visit Hidden Treasure Foster Home. On the trip up there, I had imagined what it would be like to take care of a blind kid and what it would be like to adopt one. I decided that I wouldn't like that and that it would be too challenging. Yet, it was through a beautiful, four year old girl named Anna, who was born blind, that God touched my heart. She threw her arms around my legs, so I picked her up and I was immediately met by her face nuzzled into my neck and her arms around me in a hug. She clapped and smiled and laughed. she touched my face then found my necklace with the little boy on it, the little boy that one of my Chongzou kids gave to me. Anna held it up to her face then looked at me and smiled. Through this blind girl, God allowed me to see. I flashed back to my fervent prayers for this trip, my stubbornness wit not wanting to go to China, and the distractions I experienced. I thought back to the first week we traveled through China and how I told God that if this is what He wants with me, He's gonna have to give me a burning passion for the people because this is NOT what I want.I flashed back to my Chongzou kids and how much we loved each other, how much I love & miss them. I remembered praying in different languages and how amazing it was to meet Chinese followers. I thought about all the M's (missionaries) we've met an dhow passionate they are. Then I remembered the peace I felt in a coffee shop as I peered out of the window to observe a bustling China. I remembered that very moment when I answered God's question for my life.

Lord, I'll go where You send me. 

Gather, lead and I'll follow.

God, if this is what You want, I can do this.

My answer is yes.

Isaiah 6:8 (NLT)

Then I heard the LORD asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?"

I said, "Here I am, LORD. Send me."

...It was through this blind girl that God allowed me to see.

     The second time was when I was talking to Alayna about beauty and makeup and all the time, money, and effort we put into it. Alyana has a beautiful, blind girl in her prayer group. Her name is Brittney and she has a heart of gold. With a simple thought, she's touched my life and she doesn't even know it: "I've never once worn makeup. I can't see to put it on, and I can't see it on you guys, but you're all absolutely beautiful."

     So when the ladies on my leadership team started sharing a word that described their growth, I began to get nervous - I still had no idea how much to describe my growth this semester. Then it hit me: BLIND. This semester has been full of challenges and my relationship with the LORD is lacking more than it has in years. I don't spend time with Him like I used to, like I should. With various thoughts and challenges, I go every day blindly stumbling along. With every doubt and every fear, I blindly step in, begging the Lord to pull me through. With many decisions that are currently large and may later be small standing in front of me, I walk along. I continue to blindly push. I'm numb. I'm clueless. I'm lost. The fog is so thick that I can barely see two steps in front of me. I peer ahead, but I can't see anything and it's so frustrating cause I don't know where to go or what turn to take, and you get to the point where you're screaming. You're going mad from the relentless fog, and you're ready to give up.

Then your toes touch the edge.

     It's a cliff. A high one. With a raging river below. You hear it, but you see no further than the step in front of you. That's when I heard Him...

"Close your eyes, b...and jump."

Esther 4:14b

"Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?”