I once was lost, but heard God's call; Was blind, but now I'm okay with that.

This is Anna. She forever holds my heart.

These are excerpts from my journal. A little peak into my mind.

December 1, 2013 - I've come to the strange realization that I don't know what I want. At all. Not right now. Nothing specific. 

                           I'M LOST.

December 2, 2013 - They asked for a word or theme that would describe our growth this semester & how far the Lord has brought us. I've been thinking about it all day, but I'm coming up empty handed. Lindsey, my R.A., told me that my theme doesn't have to be happy-go-lucky because that wouldn't adequately describe my growth.       

{BLIND}

This is the third time that God has touched me with "blind" this year.

     The first time was in China when a four year old, blind girl named Anna touched my life. Prior to meeting her, I had decided that having a blind child wouldn't suit me very well and that "blind" wasn't really "up my alley." Every time I think of her, memories of China flash through my mind...

July 9, 2013 - I knew from the moment I found this trip that it held a lot for me, but I didn't know exactly what or how much. I thought that it was simply going to answer the yes or no question of, "Is this what God wants with my life?" Through this last month and a half, God has done more than answer that one question, He's shown me things I needed to fix, other things that I was running from.

The necklace one of my students gave me.

     Expecting a yes or no answer to my life question, early on in Chongzou, God answered with neither. "Be patient," He said, "I will open the right door at the right time, and My timing is always right." Finding peace and comfort in this, I carried on with the trip. While in Fuzhou, I had the opportunity to visit Hidden Treasure Foster Home. On the trip up there, I had imagined what it would be like to take care of a blind kid and what it would be like to adopt one. I decided that I wouldn't like that and that it would be too challenging. Yet, it was through a beautiful, four year old girl named Anna, who was born blind, that God touched my heart. She threw her arms around my legs, so I picked her up and I was immediately met by her face nuzzled into my neck and her arms around me in a hug. She clapped and smiled and laughed. she touched my face then found my necklace with the little boy on it, the little boy that one of my Chongzou kids gave to me. Anna held it up to her face then looked at me and smiled. Through this blind girl, God allowed me to see. I flashed back to my fervent prayers for this trip, my stubbornness wit not wanting to go to China, and the distractions I experienced. I thought back to the first week we traveled through China and how I told God that if this is what He wants with me, He's gonna have to give me a burning passion for the people because this is NOT what I want.I flashed back to my Chongzou kids and how much we loved each other, how much I love & miss them. I remembered praying in different languages and how amazing it was to meet Chinese followers. I thought about all the M's (missionaries) we've met an dhow passionate they are. Then I remembered the peace I felt in a coffee shop as I peered out of the window to observe a bustling China. I remembered that very moment when I answered God's question for my life.

Lord, I'll go where You send me. 

Gather, lead and I'll follow.

God, if this is what You want, I can do this.

My answer is yes.

Isaiah 6:8 (NLT)

Then I heard the LORD asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?"

I said, "Here I am, LORD. Send me."

...It was through this blind girl that God allowed me to see.

     The second time was when I was talking to Alayna about beauty and makeup and all the time, money, and effort we put into it. Alyana has a beautiful, blind girl in her prayer group. Her name is Brittney and she has a heart of gold. With a simple thought, she's touched my life and she doesn't even know it: "I've never once worn makeup. I can't see to put it on, and I can't see it on you guys, but you're all absolutely beautiful."

     So when the ladies on my leadership team started sharing a word that described their growth, I began to get nervous - I still had no idea how much to describe my growth this semester. Then it hit me: BLIND. This semester has been full of challenges and my relationship with the LORD is lacking more than it has in years. I don't spend time with Him like I used to, like I should. With various thoughts and challenges, I go every day blindly stumbling along. With every doubt and every fear, I blindly step in, begging the Lord to pull me through. With many decisions that are currently large and may later be small standing in front of me, I walk along. I continue to blindly push. I'm numb. I'm clueless. I'm lost. The fog is so thick that I can barely see two steps in front of me. I peer ahead, but I can't see anything and it's so frustrating cause I don't know where to go or what turn to take, and you get to the point where you're screaming. You're going mad from the relentless fog, and you're ready to give up.

Then your toes touch the edge.

     It's a cliff. A high one. With a raging river below. You hear it, but you see no further than the step in front of you. That's when I heard Him...

"Close your eyes, b...and jump."

Esther 4:14b

"Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?”

The Cries of the Catacombs

I currently have the privilege of being on a traveling ministry team called the King's Players. We travel to various places in various states and perform Christian plays that share the gospel and challenge your faith. One of our absolute favourites is Catacombs, a story of faith and persecution. While we were performing last Sunday night, I was hit harder than I have been for any other performance. My character goes through lots of emotional trauma. She's a teenage girl who recently lost her parents to Christian persecution, and now she's hiding with seven others in an abandoned church in the mountains. It's wintertime and our contact from the Christian underground still hasn't come. It's been four weeks, and our food supply has diminished greatly. 
As I sat backstage, waiting for my cue to re-enter, I thought about what Amy must have been thinking and feeling. This is what I came up with:

   A gunshot rang throughout the air, then, quickly, another one followed it. 
      "Oh my gosh...Oooh my gosh...no...no, please, God...help..." I shook. I cried. My heart and my breathing was racing. I was hyperventilating in my solitary room as sobs poured from my lips and tears fell from my eyes. Four. That made four; four shots have filled the air since I've been locked up in this room - five have been heard since I woke up this morning. Yet, I've experienced six deaths since we've been hiding out in this old, abandoned church. That means only two of us from our makeshift family are left. 
      And now I'm sitting alone in a room with my hands tied behind my back. There's a chill in the air and an eerie silence fills it...except, of course, for the four gunshots that rang out in the lonely night sky. Sometimes I think I hear shouting. Sometimes I think I hear footsteps nearby. Every once in a while, I see a shadow - sometimes multiple - pass through the cracks of the door. Give it some time, then I'd hear another gunshot. Right now, however, only silence can be heard and darkness can be seen. My neck ached from Slater - the police man that is presumably shooting our family one-by-one for our faith. I couldn't stop shaking from the fear coursing through my body; yet, I felt peace coming for me.
      "God," I muttered as I hung my head low and tears dripped from my face. "Daddy, Abba...please...give me the strength I need to stand strong on your foundation. Give this same strength to Elijah. We don't want to deny You... Daddy, I'm ready to come home." Sobs escaped my lips, but I swallowed them just as quickly because a shadow passed by my door, then two passed back the other way.
      I sat, still shaking, remembering what life was like before we became persecuted for our faith. I remembered the sunshine, the laughter, the freedom... What life was like without the worries of being arrested, tortured, killed...
      A gunshot rang through the air. That made five. Seven deaths total within the last three days. Of our makeshift family, only I remained. This time, though, the sobs didn't come, the shaking stopped, the tears ceased to make their way down my cheeks. The pace of my breaths evened. I saw a shadow outside my door. The chill in the air made my breath visible.
      "God," I whispered and watched as my breaths surrounded my being, "I'm ready." Peace overcame my entire being as my Father wrapped His comforting arms around me.
      The door of my room flew open as Williams, Slater's guard, came in, gun in hand, and shoved me out the door. I was taken to the room in which Slater was torturing Elijah's mind by trying to persuade him to deny Christ, using us as motive. Elijah was beaten, but he wouldn't be defeated.
      I fell to my knees as Williams gave me one last shove. My neck still ached and my head hung low, my hair curtained my face. I could hear Elijah on the bench next to me, crying. Slater ran his fingers through my hair.
      "She is such a pretty thing, isn't she?" I fought, disgusted, as he tried to tilt my face to look his way. "C'mon," he muttered, but I jerked my head in the other direction, barely making eye contact with Elijah when Slater yelled, 
      "LOOK AT ME!" He grabbed a large chunk of my hair and jerked my head back towards him. A loud gasp of pain and shock left me. With anger burning in my body, my eyes met his. He went back to gently stroking my hair and spoke softly as he said, "Now...I'm a married man myself, so you don't need to be afraid of me." He paused as his hand rested against my cheek, a terrifying grin stretched across his face.
      "Williams!" he yelled,"How would you like to take this girl in the back and do whatever you please with her?"
      "No!" I shrieked as I fought and wriggled my way out of his hands. His right arm quickly hooked around my neck and pulled me against his side. He held his gun to my head as I desperately gasped for air. Despite the turmoil and pain, no tears came. There was an odd peace amidst the chaos of it all.
      "Alright!" Elijah yelled. Once more, my eyes locked on his. God, strengthen him, give him Your peace.
      "So you agree, then?" Slater asked Elijah harshly.
      "NO!" I screamed before Elijah could even consider answering him. "I don't know what's going on here, but any agreement made with this man would be like making a covenant with the devil. Please, don't do it." I tried to jerk away from him, but Slater's grasp tightened so immensely that I fell nearly limp in his big arms.
      "But Amy..." Elijah whimpered.
      "It's okay," I gasped, "They can't hurt me," Slater's arm tightened even more.
      "Not where it really matters."
      In a fit of rage and disgust, Slater threw me across the room towards Williams.
      "GET HER OUT OF HERE!" The words erupted from Slater's lips and I swear they shook the room. Williams grabbed me by my tied up arms and pushed me outside, into the snow.
      In shock from the cold, my legs gave out beneath me. I fell to my knees, my face inches from the snow that crunched under me. Once more, I watched as my breaths visibly engulfed the area around my being. I heard Williams shuffling behind me as he prepped the gun in his hands. The snap of him cocking the gun forced me to look up. Shock slammed my body as I took in the scene before me. It felt as if a horse stomped on my chest. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. The pain slashed through me until it slaughtered me, but I could do nothing about it. The empty, lifeless bodies of those I love lay strewn across the area, their still-warm blood painted the snow. 
      Williams spoke to me, but I couldn't understand him. Everything was a blur, and all I could hear was an overwhelming ringing rush through the night sky. 
      "God," I mumbled, barely loud enough for even myself to hear. "Daddy, I'm ready to come home."
      Williams stepped in front of me. My eyes held his gaze. No more pain, no more anger, only numbing peace could be found in my eyes. He raised his gun to my head, right between my eyes, but I continued to hold his stare. The ringing grew louder and louder till it roared in my ears. He pulled the trigger. 

Blackout.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.
For the former things have passed away."

Feeding the More Than 1 Billion

"Maybe you feel led to minister to Communist China even though there's a risk of being arrested and never coming back!" He nearly yelled it. At this point, Clayton was riled up. He went on to say, "Maybe you're just a girl from the middle of nowhere Virginia!"

No. 

"North Carolina!"

Ugh. 

"South Carolina!"

C'mon!!!!

"Georgia!!"

THAT'S ME!!!!! 

"..that doesn't feel like she has anything to lay before the LORD to use. She doesn't feel like she's anything special.."

That's me. 

"..She doesn't feel like she has anything to offer. She's just another kid."

...That's me....

Clayton went on. He spoke of Jesus feeding the 5,000. In John 6, Jesus was asking for food to give to the hungry crowd, the crowd that's actually thousands more than is listed. Andrew, a disciple, brought a young boy to him, a boy that had five small loaves of bread and two fish. This boy offered Jesus his "little, Jewish lunchable". This child essentially walked up to Jesus and said, "Here. Here is my food. It's not a lot, in fact, it's not much at all. But here's the deal, it's all I have, and I want you to have it." 

Jesus used that kid to feed thousands upon thousands of people. 

China's been calling my name for years. For years, I've wrestled with God. I finally went. I finally answered the call. I haven't said good-bye yet. 

Here's the deal... Who am I? 

I don't have anything to give. I'm nothing special. I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm just another kid. 

But there's a country that's hungry. There are more than one billion people in China that are hungry for the LORD. I don't have much to offer, but You can have all I've got, God.. Send me. Use me. It's not much, but it's all I have. 

Turns out...all He truly needed was my "little, Jewish lunchable". 

Homeless & Hungry

I leave for my sophomore year at Liberty University tomorrow morning.
For the first time in five days, my room is finally clean after looking like a tornado uncontrollably threw up in it. The truck is loaded and the last of  my crates wait patiently by my bedroom door. I've been home for six days and now I'm taking off for three months to college before I come back to visit for only a week, then leave once more. Back and forth, back and forth. Why only six days? Oh, I've been in China for the last month and Wisconsin for two and a half weeks before that training to go as part of leadership on the team to China. And here I am once more, leaving early for leadership training, but this time it's for my college hall, and I'm gone for much longer.
I don't mind traveling and moving about; in fact, I love it. It's a great joy to me. I love traveling. Plus, I've grown up in a military family, so I've been moving around my whole life. This is merely second nature for me to pack up & take off. I've never lived anywhere for longer than six years, and that was double what we normally spent in a home. I was born in North Dakota, but I consider myself from Alabama cause that's where I lived the longest and where I graduated high school, but my family now resides in Georgia, and I go to school in Virginia. I've moved eight times, lived in five states, have visited most of the states in the U.S., and have explored six different countries (including the U.S.). So when someone asks me where I'm from, I never really know how to answer.
Homeless and not content. That's what one of my friends calls me. It's true, though. I don't really have a home, never have. I don't have that place where I know everyone and they know me and we've all known each other our entire lives and I know where every back road leads because I've had time to explore that over the years. Instead, I've met countless people, seen numerous places, have had tons of friends that come in all different kinds. I've gone places and done things. I've experienced suburbs, cities, and small Southern towns. I've been blessed with the gift of seeing God's creation. I've been able to adventure through-out my short lifetime thus far and experience things others haven't. I'm not cooped up in the same old town with the same old people doing the same old things. I consider this a blessing.
God's called me to be a missionary. I have a love and passion for people, other cultures, other places, traveling, and serving. I love to travel. I love to move around and see places, experience places. I love understanding other people and why they do what they do. I've been blessed enough to be given marvelous supporters that donate to my mission trips so that I can see these places and serve these people. I hunger to travel the world and see all the wonders that it has to offer. I consider this a blessing.
So maybe I'm "home"-less. And maybe I'm not content just staying where I am.
I long for adventure.
I long to go out.
I long to suck the nectar from the beautiful earth that God's created.
I don't want to stay planted and never experience all that there is.
I consider this a blessing.

So here I am, sitting in my room with all these thoughts running through my mind. I decide to type them out and post them because I haven't posted in ages and a half. But let me share one more thought with you that started this whole hype in my mind...
It was last August. It was close to 3 A.M.. I was sitting on my bed in my new house in GA that I had only been in for a month, scanning over all of my crap that I had packed for school, making sure I didn't forget anything and praying that I wasn't bringing too much. My dad came down and sat on my bed, chatting with me as I packed some last minute stuff. Later, my moma came down to chat with me. They both had tears in their eyes and a nervous air about them. I was leaving later that morning to a school that's nine hours away for the next three months straight before I would visit for a short week for Thanksgiving, less than a month for Christmas, and about a month and a half for summer (I spent the other month and a half on my mission trip to China). It was strange to think about leaving them at first, but they had prepared me for this. I was ready. It was a new adventure with new places and new people. It was exciting to be opening my wings to fly out on my own. Tonight, everyone's resting peacefully. I take off tomorrow after being home for only six days, but it's okay. My parents have done an amazing job preparing me for this life and being there for me throughout it. I love y'all very much. <3 thank you.

Pharaoh, call on me..

Beautiful Song -----> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9_caMq_iYc

Fourty-eight hours ago, I came to the earth-shattering realization that I may not be returning to Liberty University next semester.  This broke me.

Confusion. Pain. Lonliness. Let down...again.
One hundred little blows. Enough to break me down.
Locking myself in one of the bathroom stalls, I bawled for 20 minutes straight.  I didn't understand. 

"God.. I thought this was where You wanted me.. Why are You closing all of the doors?"

Let's flashback to two years ago.. I was unsure about whether or not college was the right route for my life.  I thought about just going straight into the mission field after high school.  Almost immediately after that, I started receiving gobs of letters, phone calls, and e-mails from Liberty University, a college I had never even heard of.  After praying for some time, I told Moma that I felt like God was calling me to LU.  She took a look at the prices and stated, "Honey, if God's calling you to Liberty, God's got to pay for Liberty."
And He did.  My freshman year, I've only had to pay $102 out of my pocket.  I was blessed with a third of Daddy's GI Bill and a handful of scholarships.
Knowing that these things weren't going to pay for all four or more years, and that loans are to be avoided as much as possible when aspiring to be a missionary, Moma and I devised a plan made up of two simple steps:
1. Get a job.
2. Get a leadership position.

This plan worked perfectly because I love both of these things.  I'm a hard worker and God has really shaped my heart to lead.. and I love it.. so much.

So let's flash forward from two years ago to two days ago.  I was hurting from people.  I was hurting because I've attempted at least 35 different jobs and haven't been called in for a  single interview. I was hurting because I didn't receive the leadership position. Again. I was stressed from all the homework that comes with taking 18 credit hours. It's second semester of my freshman year and I haven't been able to rake in a single penny.  So now what, God? You're closing every door. You're cutting off every opportunity.  I'm doing my fair share of the work and You still haven't blessed me with the means to come back to study to be what You've called me to be! What the crap?!?...I just don't understand...

Here at Liberty we have this thing called "Spiritual Emphasis Week."  And by "week", Liberty actually means three days.. I still don't understand how that works...
Nonetheless, it's SEW.  Our amazing SEW speaker, Clayton King, told us that he's giving a four message series on Joseph from Genesis.
The first morning, Clayton spoke about Joseph's dreams.  Through that I gathered that if the dream has come from God, don't give up on it.  Don't focus on the dream, focus on the One who gives dreams.
The first night, Clayton spoke about Joseph's detour.. But this wasn't just any detour. Clayton calls it a "Divine Detour."  You see, Joseph's brothers were so jealous of him that they threw him into a pit and later dragged him out to sell him into slavery.  Through this, Clayton taught us that we should look for purpose in the pit because it's God saving you from something worse and saving you for something better. Detours cause us to doubt.  When things don't go the way they're planned, it's natural to doubt God and everyone and everything else along with Him.  But what we need to do is learn to doubt our doubts because God is a God of great and powerful love. He will NOT leave us. He will NEVER forsake us. HE IS and ALWAYS WILL BE.  So we need to learn to trust Him more than we expect Him to tell us what's going on.. I need to learn to trust Him more..  He knows what He's doin.. I mean, He created the freaking universe, for Pete's sake!!...so....why can't He bless me with a job? Finally, Clayton pointed out that, maybe, what looks like a detour is actually our destination.  When Joseph became a slave in Potiphar's household, he never thought for a second that Egypt was the planned destination for his life.  I assume that he expected God to get him out of there and back to his home somehow.  But God knows what He's doing.. and Joseph trusted Him through every step of the way.
The second night, tonight, Clayton spoke about Joseph's dungeon.  I swear this message was written just for me.  You see, Potiphar's wife accused Joseph of making sexual advances towards her. Because of this, Potiphar had the option to kill Joseph or imprison him.  Due to his favour and assumption of Joseph's innocense, Potiphar had Joseph thrown into a dungeon.  The thing about dungeons is that they bring discouragement: they restrict freedom, limit your movement, minimize your perspective, and make it hard to feel God.. But amidst all of this, we need to realize that the prison may be God's way of protecting and preparing us.  We'll get our answers when we're ready...and God knows when we're really and truly ready.  After two years of being in prison, Pharaoh had a dream and called for Joseph to interpret it, later moving him up to the king's palace to become the second most powerful man in all of Egypt--the moment when Joseph realized that his detour was really his destination. GOD KNOWS AND GOD WILL HAVE PHARAOH CALL FOR YOU AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME! But God will not free you until He has fully formed you.  So many people quit before they get to the palace.. don't give up!

With all of this on my mind, I left SEW tonight a little bit early and headed to the place where I always go to get perspective: the ledge in front of DeMoss.  In 20 degree weather, I layed down outside, hung my head off the edge, and viewed the world in a new way, thus, viewing my problems in a new way.  I prayed.  I sang praises.  I looked up at the few stars that you can see in the city.  I relished the glow of the moon.  I realized the blessings and the love of Christ that I have in my life.  More than anything though, I realized that I have hope.  I have a God with a crazy, unimagineable plan.  I just need to trust Him while I'm locked in the dungeon because, if I follow Him, He will cause the Pharaoh to call on me and I will move up to the palace.

As I watched my breath escape my lips into the frigid air, I felt the warmth of Christ surround me.
I'm staying here. I have hope. I trust you, Lord.
Utter bliss.  Ultimate peace.